how do we ever really know what is good for us? What is authentic and really sustains us or whether or not it's just there for security and assurance. How is anything really ever known and why do we find ourselves questioning it? The standard for anything in life such as love, happiness or success are not measurable by scale but predetermined by others standards or experience. So how is truth for any of these things really ever consequently known for relevancy? Security is really what keeps us 'stable' and hopeful in what we think is sure and truth and all that we put into those mindsets. So what to do when you find yourself constantly questioning everything in life? Never stop questioning,challenging anything and everything is the only way to fully experience and gain from.

I waited but you never came
left jaded and full of shame
all my love was put into you
but it never grew, this is me without you
now that I'm gone

The future is the only promise ever truly kept. We hold the key in seeking out the unknown, acting as our own play write. Nothing is ever known without imagination and love, serving as the greatest gatekeepers to all forms of knowledge. From chaos comes a sense of contentment: living the moment, feeling the presence and embracing the past.

why does having something good hurt so much? Feeling helpless may possibly be the worst feeling I know. COME BACK :( nothing is real without you. this feels like forever

hiiii

you are hot. uh

yeeeeeepppy!

My BOO Nicole comes home tonight! yay we are back in action again. So after a fresh shower today looks like essays, journalism quizzes, C O F F E E, and painting! yay. As for yesterday, it was amazing, stupendous, inspiring, and beautiful. POWER TO THE PEACEFUL FESTIVAL 2009 was insane! So much culture, pride, love, and above all Alanis Morissette's angelic voice. Golden Gate park and this city as a whole is the most beautiful sight i've ever seen. I am so so so lucky, and yay my baby booked a flight! Finallly I get to see him in mid october. Its been soo long :( bummmssssss. k have a great day <3 xo


GOSSIP GIRL STARTS TOMORRRRROWWWWW! WHOOOOOOO

gooooodmorning san francisco!

Although this has been one of the hardest things I've had to do, essentially it has been the healthiest and most liberating. Leaving is never easy and missing someone never goes away but these moments will at some point define us. After having my moments of sadness upon arriving, I can now say I am experiencing the feelings I left to find. It has changed the way i feel toward people of my past, present and future and has shown me love in a new light. I woke up today feeling honestly happy without having to convince myself. I love the people in my life so much and will never stop loving them. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and with that said, I am ready to learn, love, create and embrace all that I can with the time I am given. We are only what we strive to be, no one can decide our fate but us. xo

Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard,
oh take me back to the start

The best feeling the world is when your heart and mind finally agree and you officially come to terms with a situation.
I can honestly say that I never ever felt this way. It feels good to let everything go that doesn't matter and learn to stop caring because you just honestly don't care about it anymore. I think I found the best thing to hold on to at this point and won't let it slip.

it must be said...

OK so, after not that much thought I have simplified the male thought process into an easy to read theory.
SO, let it be said for everyone who thinks men are complicated, they are simple. It is the male that is simple while the girl makes the situation complicated by her perception. GUYS work ONE way, they are either in love with you or they aren't. Meaning, guys either find one girl they are sprung on and in love with or they just float around with whoever, as they can by exercising their right to single manhood. It is in fact the female who complicates the relationship by thinking she is "different"/ "the exception" or any other justification we make for guys who say they love us but aren't with us. IT'S REALLY THAT SIMPLE. who would have thought? haha not to sound against the female gender i just think it needs to be said, and in turn I now understand my past and future so much better. haha :)




"The world's a roller coaster
And I am not strapped in
Maybe I should hold with care
But my hands are busy in the air"
xoxo

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.

It's funny how high school sucked so bad when you were there but leaving it hurts more. Looking back at cada, birthdays, parties, best friends, ex-loves, or just waking up for zero period, it seemed so routine but thats what made it great; knowing what to expect. In high school you learn EXACTLY what to expect out of your day. Like who you are guaranteed to see or what teacher you never wanted to see, at least you knew what to expect. Now things seem so very uncertain. Like wow, I may never see this person again for the rest of my life or wow, I'll never have that moment back to change the outcome of certain events. Learning you have no control over what to expect in the future sucks. Or just maybe it will be deeply liberating?

:(

There come a point in time when you've endured enough and your fears start to leave. You loose those fears knowing the thing that hurts you the most will finally consume you.

mhm

what to do, what to do?
SQAURE ONE

ehhh, lyrics lyrics

This was over before
Before it ever began
Your lips, your lies, your lust
Like the devil's in your hands
Everyone in this town
is seeing somebody else
Everybody's tired of someone
our eyes wander for help
Prayers that need no answer now
I'm tired of who I am
You were my greatest mistake
I fell in love with your sin

Looking at old pictures and remembering how happy that moment made you can really suck sometimes.
I wish we had a replay button like in sports, just incase you needed to see that moment once more, even if you already know the outcome, just to see the potential that moment held. DAMN.

sometimes when one door closes, two doors open and
something good can make you feel uneasy. A good cry may be just what you need to make it all better again.

so I waited

and it never came

call me crazy

but who drives by someone's house they hate. ha

ummmmmm merh

"I'm forgetting the things that i know, to return to the things that i knew were right all along. The past shapes who we are today, and from it, we learn to grow, but that doesn't mean you can't look back on it from time to time to remember where we came from."

wheee!

I want it to be gradnight every night! I have never felt so happy as I did last night.
riding dumbo and my hot chocolate was the best, everything was yummmmy and perfect and happy!

Graduation was sad :/ and I am finally realizing I'll be in a completely new city and lifestyle in 2 months.
WOW. guess its time to say goodbye, starting with gradnight!!!!

haha

I wish they knew the real you. They pretend you is what we fall in love with but honestly you can't hold onto that forever. You think you have everyone fooled, really i feel sorry for you. I wish the person I fell for was real but everything we thought we loved turned out to be nothing.

urban

underground is tonighttt! crazy things might happen haha just kidding :]
On an even bigger and better note, 4 days left of school! dang, all done.



Oh this summer....

weird

so my brother is in town and while spending time with him we went to one of his friends house's for a get together as they usually do while in town. It made me think how it will be when we come home from college. Who will we see, avoid, miss, love, or hope I never see again. ha I can't wait to see how things play out. growing up, never been more ready.

eh

I am an idiotttttt. thank god i'm leaving in 3 months
hah fresh slate!

goooodmorning,

fuck sore throats, pounding heads and me :[
and me for saying stupid things to stupid people.



haha yay for today, not.

mmhhm

So very tired. ehh, i feel like i have so much to say but maybe time has already run out and when i go to speak it seems nothing will ever come out.

I wish you knew, more than anything. This feeling between you and me.

:[

My stomach feels empty and i feel like crying. Feeling used is the worst.
I can't believe anything

hate is a strong word

but i reallly reallly really don't like you.

i feel

very accomplished! workworkwork, hopefully this is it paying off but everythingworth doing is worth it in the end i suppose.
mhmh i also hate when there is unspoken friction between people, it just throws stuff off :/ oh well


gooodnight babies<3

bust

You know those bad days that make you down and those other ones that make you feel like bad is a temporary comfort and great is back again. Well that great day seems to fool me, because the bad always comes back or maybe the great never wants to stay.

shame on me for trying to believe in something.

one of those

days where everything goes wrong.
ewww, i'm going insane.

so tired

of hearing things that let me down, make me sad and make me think "i told you so"
people who lie, cheat and have a lack of compassion are getting extremely old as well. What happened to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Most of all besides all the bullshit, i'm tired and have no desire of moving forward. I'm sick of deadlines, full agendas, saying yes to everyone and everything and i'm sick of feeling empty at the end of the day because i've given myself away to please anything and everything. Breakdown mode sucks but at least its real. "The only thing that is certain is that nothing is certain at all."

ouch.

and just when you think you found someone who could never make you cry.
shit happpppens

:[

little bit

"the pressures on
both hearts beat like a metronon
both n'sync like a justin song
feels so right but it's just soo wrong"


obsessed with this songggg <3
interesting day i'd say ;]

electronica shmanica

as gossip girl said:

and even when you think you know it all, life may surprise you and you may even surprise yourself.
I am in love with chuck basss!



So sometimes i get this feeling as we all do, when you are driving listening to an epic song and you think of a person or memory or something of some significance. Well that happened to me today as it does often, thinking back to exactly a year ago and where i was, who i was, what i liked, how i thought, how i felt. Alot has changed, for the good or the bad i'm not sure. A year ago my life seemed as if it could have been a crazy teen movie or book, oh the things that went on. Time for new beginnings, rekindling of pasts and life to start for real. Be freaking excited.

so bad its goood

i over think everything and listen to sad music.

Before i move i'm writing a few significant people in my life a letter of importance or something i've wished i could have said.
goood idea hahaha

what happens?

when you become an impossible possibility.


think about it :(

why

is this the only ting i can never figure out.

allie says:

I'm just a tick tock away from leaving on a jet plane! It gets easier everyday to leave when people let you down, so what's holding me back now.
My head is about to burst, overload mode is only the half of it. I wish someone could walk in my shoes for a week and recover, dayum i'm exhausted. WHY CAN'T I SAY NO? Everyone tells me i can say no to things and not do everything, but it doesn't really seem like an option for me? I will never stop trying, even more, i will never stop caring.

Getting my portfolio together ASAP! yay for san fran modeling agencies so stoked for open calls.
truest thing i've heard today and it really stuck with me- "the brightest stars burn the fastest."
as discouraging as it may sound, it is the complete truth. this little star is burning away.

MERH!

run run runaway no sense of time, want you to stay want you to be mineeeeeee

natural anthem

mhmh its been a very long while since i've updated this, ha oh well. I was feeling thoughtful and thinking so why not write eh? Prom is finally over, meaning the year is pretty much over; jeez its all going so fast and finally catching up with me. I'm really quite exhausted but i hope everything i've done up until this point will pay off in a lot of different ways. I hope i can push myself when the going gets though, and i hope that when i leave people remember me for more than something scandalous, but for some way i may have contributed to their life. Boo leaving is going to suck but it's time to be a big girl, gotta move on from this city and welcome a new one. No matter what shit i've dealt with these past for years they all definitely added to me as a person and i really love and care so much for those people i have crossed paths with. No goodbye is forever and new beginnings make us stronger. "there are things in this world that i don't understand like love, war or gravity and the way of this land and all these things remain a mystery..."

time to study, gottta keeep up with the education process :]
night loves x0

windy weather

perfect for spending days with you. Things have suddenly fallen into place, and although it has taken a while for things to go from so screwed up to so much better, the instant things feel exactly right it suddenly hits you. Everything really will be alright and i've kept my mind set on something so now that it has changed i realize my thought changed for the better. Maybe i'll be happier and safer if i stay, maybe i won't be who is to say we just have to wait and see. I'm glad i have someone who cares for me as much as i are for them, just like we always want, to feel equally cared for and wanted by another party. And sometimes we look back, not to remember a person but to remember the way they made you feel, like they cared more than anything. Its a feeling everyone likes to remember and then it fades. So here is to life, blow one hell of a kiss and hold on tight!

indeed,

i was a victim to the wolf beneath the fleece

too much goood stufff

wheeeee i'm allie longo and i solemnly swear i am up to no good ;]
today wassss gooood, no school and senior layout sesh at my house is always fun among other things. yay can't wait for the fashion show and leaving! stoked on a new adventureeeeee i think spontaneity describes me well so lets go!

so yeah nothing much to report but on a side note, peoples be whack just be yourself no one has time for bullshit.
....and i want more cofffeeeee and kissses!

im so starstruck

baby just blow my heart up.

mhmh i'm genuinely and unconditionally excited. I'm excited for college and for learning. Yes, i said learning. The closer the year comes to an end the more i have come to appreciate my knowledge and education. I am excited to come one step closer to growing into something that can hopefully one day leave a significant mark on this world. I am excited to say goodbye and close that half of the storybook and i am excited to pick up and read on with my new one. I am excited every day i am with you and even when i am scared im still happier than ever.

Today i met one of my favorite authors and had an epiphany. How lucky i am to have experienced all that i have, meaning the good but even more so the bad. I am lucky to have experienced the bad and crossed to find the good never looking back. And to have all that i do.

today

taught me a lot about learning, more about understanding and most about life. Leaving is going to be ok, it won't be scary. It's scarier being surrounded by people here who hurt you and and are conditional. Sucky days come a lot it seems but they pass even quicker now that i've found something to live for. And i am going to stop being scared for the change. The change is good and it won't allow me to leave you behind, it will only help get away from the bad and stick with the good. I can tell you, the good i have been given is worth more than anything. I never thought i'd say this but dr. murphy was right in saying, we forget to thank people that impact our daily lives. So thank you to those, you know who you are and thank you to those, you know who you aren't. For those worth not thanking have impacted me the most, i can now move on and be my self with or without you.

accepted

to University of San Francisco

kinda a bittersweet feeling, but still i'm excited!
i'll figure it out

maybe

its me. again

he caught me

as i fell hard
<3

success

at last. great weekend. good memories. best valentine. legal birthdays. laughs and love all around.
busy busy busy but that's what keeeps us going. my legs feel restless, my body a little shaky and my heart happier than ever. feeling genuinely content and happy without lying to yourself is good for a change, no its great :) sometimes i wonder if she misses me? how some nights no one would understand, they were the best then some days felt like shattered glass. sometimes i wonder if he misses me too, i'm betting not but maybe it makes it easier if you don't. 
i'm tired and hopeful and cozy. rainy days and special birthdays make it all worth it.
i don't want to wake up tomorrrowwww, ewwwwwwwwwwww.for now, i'll drink my sparkling cider and pretend it won't come soon.

ahh

THIS WEEEKEND WILLL BE AMAZING.

oh and realllly to be honest, just being honest....you stop it. hahaha don't start something you can't finish, like unnecessary bulletins and opinions multiple times.

wheeee goood night<3

feeel better muffin

she keeps up on current affairs

PRADA IS WHAT SHE WEARS

"i have a long list of things to say

 but i'll leave it at you amaze me"

ha rainy days that start with pancakes and end 

with kisses are kinda sorta the best <3

blah

BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.

it's my fault i'm like this. urgh i want to feeel bettttter

wheee....not.

vacation? please :)

i feel like

SHIT! i want to rip my throat out. nothing is or will make it better. i thought i became immune to these throat aches a while ago, guess i was wrong and they are back to make me feel like shit. blahhhhhhh. luckily i had a nice little boy come visit and cuddle with me all day. mhmhm tea dripping down my throat for the last 24 hours, yummmskies. 

oh and old friend, sometimes i miss you but you'd never know.

time to pretend or forget or something.

 

i need meds or paint, something to suppress me right now.

no one

can rain on my parade :)

happppy anniversary and happy day!

wheeee 4 more months beeezy and i'm outtta hereeeeee for great success!

baking peanut butter cups and in love with my internship

<3

seventeen forever

And sometimes even though people can let you down, the only thing that really matters is one who can lift you up :) shit happens, life goes on right?! haha yeahhh.

So, today was good. good coffee, good-bye's but new friendships, good cuddle sessions and good room cleaning. Even though being overwhelmed can blow, waking up everyday to explore the unexpected and live spontaneously is all that matters. It's life, its raw but it's real and it's kinda sorta all we know. So on that note, sweet dreams my dears, tomorrow is a new day so release your fears.

xo

mmhmhmh

ADDICTED ;]

yeah  you!

drowning in my sleeep

" i will now bring new meaning to the word alone. 

endless nights of dreaming of life and the days we should have spent here."

Start interning with Michael Costello this week. Until better days, my life consists of paint, shoes, interning and you<3

happiness, or a lack there of

it started with you and ended with them.

i feel just as lonely without them as i did with them.

some things never change?

booo

you whore. suck it up.

mmhm tonight was a little intense but we made it through :)

where ever life takes me lets hope it makes me as happy as 'this'.

xxxxxxxo, get some rest everyday is non-stop

a rush of blood to the head

black out. ugh hate them, hate the shakes, hate the fuzz, sigh. Too much to be done, my head is spinning but you still keep me grounded. Let's relax sing a song and pray we will be alright.

ahhhh, time for writing, thinking, compiling; can't get enough of those college apps. It will be worth it, in the end it has to be worth it. 

bubble time, relax for a moment before things really get chaotic.

xoxo

ride

ride ride that pony, :)

hahahaha wheeeeee i am happy happy happppy. life is goooood!

here's to good nights, great memories and amazing boys

killing time

AP Gov finished and currently not studying the psych sitting next to me. ahh i'm so unmotivated, it sucks! YAY i love my hair and john david's mommy! mhmhmh The film festival was so gooood, ah independent films; nothing better. Sooooo back into the postal service and good ol' stuffff =]  I feeel fulll and wierd, idk why? craving coffee, when am i not? i run off of coffee. It's bad to be so dependent on something. ha I've never been good with things like that, ooppps.

currently listening to swing life away by rise against. i used to wake up to it every morning freshman year, ha ipod wake up call, so long ago. It's kinda a sad song, i feel happy right now, tired and lame but still i'm going to be okay.  so new song haha!

COLLEGE IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER. now that i think about it, it's kinda sad :[

i might kinda miss you a lot, bummmer. hah

bloooppp, speaking of you, hurrry up so we can ichat! i miss you already. <3

i wish i could hibernate like a little furry animal, and take a break from life while staying warm and comfy :) ahh the goood life.

sooooo looking forward to art tomorrow and starting my self portrait project thing. ahh lovelovelove la clase de arte!

one last thing, you are sooo lame now. really, i don't care for saying this but you have. your life, friends, priorities, everything has changed and the act is not appealing. ha good luck with that, some things are to far gone to fix, you might just be that now but i'm not loosing sleep over it.

goood bye for now mr. blog, i'll visit you soon i promise.

until then, you know how it goes, xxxxo ciao<3

pull back the sheets

gooooodmorning earth, i'm awake...dangit. YAY for getting paid today ;]. Last night sucked, dads can be rude about realllly important things :( no more Boston University for me. lameee, so bummed. It should be my decision right? However, golden spoon, my best friend and my boy made everything much better. yum yum and yum. So for reals, its 2009, meaning the year and the time. We are leaving everything and everyone we have known forever, ha let that settle. I don't think i'm worried about leaving at all to be quite honest, but when the time comes i will probably freak out and cry a freakin river haha. OH WELL, lets make it a fantastic year i guesss, savor the flavor and holller till you pass out. mhmh everything is alright, xxxxo.